Roger: Hello, dear. Muah! Have you been waiting long?
Carolyn: About five minutes.
Roger: Let’s look at the menu, then, shall we?
Carolyn: I took ages with my hair and make-up tonight.
Roger: Oh. You look nice.
Carolyn: Thanks, I suppose.
Roger: Are we having a starter?
Carolyn: If you like.
Roger: Well…. I think I’ll plump for the… er….
Carolyn: Roger, can you stop.
Roger: Stop what?
Carolyn: You know what.
Roger: I do not.
Carolyn: Looking at that blonde woman.
Roger: Which blonde woman?
Carolyn: You know which blonde woman.
Roger: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll have the pâté, I think. … Carolyn, are you going to choose something?
Carolyn: I’ll have soup.
Roger: Right you are. And for main course?
Carolyn: I can see you ogling her. You’re even turning your head.
Roger: Did you know your teeth make an audible sound when you grind them like that? Now, hurry up and order your main so I can choose the wine.
Roger: What did you say?
Carolyn: I’LL HAVE STEAK.
Roger: There’s no need to raise your voice. People are staring. Well in that case I’ll have to have steak as well so we can order a bottle of red. But I don’t mind having the same as you, dear. I’m only too happy to alter what I have to suit you. Waiter! Pâté, soup, two steaks and a bottle of Merlot, please. Thank you… So! what have you been up to today?
Carolyn: I went shopping. Debenham’s have got a sale on suitcases. They’ve got those little wheely ones for £39.99 – you wanted one of those for your trip, didn’t you?
Roger: £39.99? Are you sure?
Carolyn: Yes, of course I’m sure…. Roger, please put your phone away. Are you checking to see whether I’m telling the truth?
Roger: No, not at all…. Let’s see… Debenhams.com… Ah! You’re right. They are £39.99.
Carolyn: You didn’t believe me.
Roger: Of course I believed you.
Carolyn: But you checked.
Roger: Not at all. Here come our starters. That was most expeditious, waiter, thank you. And the wine? Mmm. Very good, yes, please pour. So… did you remember to pick up my suit from the cleaner’s?
Carolyn: You told me to collect it tomorrow.
Roger: No, I said today. But not to worry, dear.
Carolyn: Don’t pat my hand.
Roger: I’m sorry.
Carolyn: Don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re not.
Roger: I’m sorry. …. You’re making that grinding sound again. That’s right, eat your soup and give your teeth a rest… Well, I don’t want you to feel guilty about the suit. I can wear this one tomorrow, even though it’s dirty and I have an important meeting. But never mind.
Carolyn: Roger, I’m thinking about getting a job.
Roger: Really? You?
Carolyn: Yes, me. Why not me?
Roger: Well… I’m sure you’ll do very well. Where will you apply? Tesco’s?
Carolyn: No, I’m thinking of getting a Heavy Goods Vehicle Licence…. You’re laughing. Don’t laugh at me.
Roger: I’m not laughing at you. Not at all. But why on earth would you want to do that?
Carolyn: So I can become a long distance lorry driver…. Roger. Roger, I can see all your chewed-up food.
Roger: You’re joking.
Carolyn: No, I’m serious. I’ve looked into it and everything.
Roger: But you can hardly parallel park the Fiesta. UGH! Carolyn? Carolyn where are you going? Our mains haven’t arrived yet! Caro – Waiter, can you bring more napkins to get this wine off my shirt? And ask that blonde lady at the corner table if she’d care to join me for steak.